A Broken Spirit … May I


My world is … broken … shattered. In pieces, like a mirror struck by a fist. silver shards strewn at my feet. Afraid to walk for fear I may pierce myself and bleed uncontrollably.  

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My Papa left me first to go to a better place. Every time I hear the call of geese, and ducks, my heart breaks again and soars into nothingness. Tears trickle down my cheeks and a miniature golf-sized ball settles in my throat. 

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I bandaged his and mum’s bird-feeder one day so I could fill it with bird seeds. They loved to feed and watch the birds. I will do a better job at it when I get a chance. I need to do this for them you see. Both have moved where I can’t call them on the phone anymore. I miss their laughter, their joking around, and them being there for me when I had a problem.  I’ve had a few lately.

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Rather than fill my planter containers at my home, I decided to fill there’s. Mum always had flowers. She would sit on her swing and the hummingbirds soared by to get at the feeder for nectar. This is a new deck built the year before she died. I want her to be pleased if per chance she is amongst the cloud of witnesses. I need her to know I haven’t forgotten her. Her impression of her old home is rather important to me. 

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I stopped in yesterday feeling empty. The clouds mimicked my heart. They rolled and rumbled sounding a bit troubled. When I was a small child and Papa was away at work, I would worry terribly when a storm was building steam. One day, he moseyed in just as a wicked storm with loud thunder, flashes of lightning, and a mighty wind came through. Once he entered the door, my heart was at peace. My fears evaporated thinking that all would be well now that Papa was home.

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These clouds gave me hope. Tomorrow will be better. Learning to let go is hard. Not letting go is even harder. But I’m not ready. Lord, forgive me while I weep. I won’t and can’t do it yet. I will when I am able.

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16 thoughts

    • Thank you. I was having a pity-party the last couple of days. I thought I would write my feelings before I continue other things. Appreciate you stopping by. I realize people do not like to read downers, but it’s for me, really. Mum was the one that listened to my heartaches and problems. Anyway, God bless you and send you all the best. 🙂

  1. Hi Drew. It’s OK to be down and feel bad.. Especially when you’ve been through so much 🙂
    My uncle passed away last night and it felt so great this morning to pack up the car and just drive here to be with my dad. We’re upset but being together as a family feels great.
    Hope your daughter’s treatments are becoming less difficult for her.
    Your mum’s planters look great 😉

    • Dreadfully saddened to hear about your uncle. In cases like his, we must let go before they leave us. Easy to say, but very difficult later on. I am sure your father will be down for awhile, but oftentimes, it can be a burden lifted off the shoulders. Especially when the person is suffering. Nobody wants them to go through that. 🙂
      She has two more treatments which will be closely monitored because of her last allergic reaction. So far so good, though. 🙂
      My mum’s planters are just beginning to flourish. We have had so much rain and the mosquitoes are devilish this year. I always plant a garden but this year, I just couldn’t get my ‘get-up-and-go’ to work. I didn’t know if I’d be home to take care of the garden and with weeds and the rest of it, I gave in. First time in years. 🙂 I will share photos when the plants grow bigger and flourish a bit more. Thank you for being there Olivia. I am here for you if you need to unload. Hugs!

  2. Drew my sweet friend, this was heart wrenching and beautiful at the same time. Letting go is so bittersweet. I can tell from your post how much you love your parents. This is a lovely tribute to them and the special place they hold in your heart. Sending you [[[[hugs]]]]

  3. I love this piece. It’s so sincere and sweet-hearted. The pictures are a nice touch, and the echoes of scripture. I read something by Maya Angelou lately that described someone, maybe her mother, by saying, “nothing scared her except thunder and lightning.” It’s cool how the clouds give your narrator hope.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts

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